What I Wish I Knew at the Start of My Sobriety

Lessons from a decade-long journey to finally going alcohol free

Jun 28, 2025

When I hit my 900 day sober milestone recently, I found myself reflecting on what I would say to someone at the very start of their sober journey, or in those shaky, uncertain first few months. I think there’s value in looking back… not with shame, but with compassion and perspective. Maybe some of what I’ve learned can help someone else avoid a few of the detours I took.

Let me start with a little context:

✨ Sobriety Wasn’t Instant for Me

I didn’t get sober overnight. I wasn’t one of those people who had a dramatic rock bottom, woke up one day and never drank again. My story is more subtle. More gradual and a heck of a lot messier.

It took me over a decade to stop drinking for good. A decade. That’s a long time to be circling the idea of change, dipping in and out of sober curiosity, attempting short breaks, slipping back, and telling myself it wasn’t that bad. It was agonising and demoralising.

And that’s exactly why I’m writing this. Because if your journey isn’t straightforward either, you’re not alone and it doesn’t mean you’re failing. It just means you’re human.

Looking back, there are some things I did really well but there are also things I wish I’d understood earlier. So here they are… shared in the hope they help someone else find their footing a little faster than I did.

✨ I’d Ignore Others Opinions

This one’s big. Probably the biggest.

For years, I would constantly ask others how much they drank or if they felt my drinking was a problem. I didn’t want the truth at that point, what I actually wanted was a permission slip to carry on drinking the way that I was under the belief there was safety in numbers. If everyone was drinking like me then it couldn’t be harmful (or so I told myself).

But my inner voice wouldn’t let it go, that gut instinct kept chipping away at me. So I kept trying to moderate. Take breaks. Make new rules. Break them. Go back to square one. Repeat. Rationalise by talking to others and it kept me stuck for so long.

But the truth is, deep down, I knew. That inner voice was a small, persistent whisper that told me alcohol wasn’t serving me. That it was costing me more than I was admitting and that I didn’t feel like myself anymore.

And I ignored that voice for far too long.

If I could go back, I wouldn’t spend so much time trying to fit into other people’s definitions of what a “problem” looks like. I wouldn’t wait for external validation. I wouldn’t need to hit some arbitrary rock bottom to justify changing. I would simply say: this doesn’t feel right, and that’s enough. I’d ride out those hard early days because that was the truth. Instead of doing what I used to do which was getting to about day five, finding it tough the first weekend and then ask someone else about my drinking to give me permission to give in and drink. Funnily enough, I always chose drinkers to ask or people that drank more than me. I wasn’t daft… I knew what I was doing.

So here’s what I’ve learned:

You don’t need a dramatic reason to get sober. Quiet dissatisfaction is reason enough. A longing for clarity, connection, or peace is enough. You are enough.

✨ I Would Reach Out for Support but I’d Be Selective

One of the best things I ever did was join the sober community on Instagram. Honestly, it was a lifeline. Seeing others speak openly about their struggles, triumphs, cravings, and mindset shifts made me feel less alone. It helped me feel seen in a way that real life often didn’t.

I found people I could relate to, in particular women who, like me, weren’t drinking in the daytime or hitting dramatic lows like a the stereotype we all jump to, but who still felt lost, disconnected, and unsure of how to stop.

However, I also learned (sometimes the hard way) that not every space is safe, and not every piece of advice is good advice.

The internet can be empowering but it’s also public. And when you’re vulnerable, newly sober, and figuring things out, you need to be careful who you trust with your story.

If I could do it again, I’d reach out for support and learn to protect my energy whilst in that vulnerable space. I’d connect with those who made me feel grounded and seen, and avoid accounts that made me feel ashamed, judged, or like I wasn’t doing sobriety “right”.

But do go out and find your tribe, just be selective and listen to your gut instinct as to who you feel safe around. Online or offline, we do need connections to help us to realise we aren’t alone and also to share the frustrations or trials of living a world that seems obsessed with alcohol. There are so many online groups to choose from and many offline meet ups where people focus on different activities other than drinking. I know our little sober rebel group is a really safe supportive space and there are lots of groups like that about to choose from.

Also, think outside the box… you don’t have to join something that’s based around sobriety if you can’t find it local to you but joining evening fitness classes can be a good substitute. People tend to be more focussed on health and less on drinking in those spaces if you want to make new friends.

Here’s the truth though: there is no one right way to do this. There’s only your way.

✨ I’d Trust My Inner Voice Sooner

That quiet inner voice that would nag at me, the one that kept whispering, “This isn’t working anymore” never really went away. It was always there, beneath the noise of excuses, the social pressure, and the belief that sobriety was too big, too scary and too final.

That voice is what finally saved me.

Looking back, I realise how wise that voice was. I didn’t need a long list of evidence and I didn’t need to convince anyone else. I just needed to trust myself. And once I did, everything began to change.

So if you hear that voice please don’t ignore it. Don’t drown it out with “maybe next month” or “I’ll just cut down.” Listen. It may be the clearest guidance you’ll ever get.

✨ I’d Stop Romanticising the “Moderation Myth”

For years, I thought moderation was the golden ticket. I’d see people having one or two drinks and think, Why can’t I do that? I’d promise myself I’d stick to “just weekends” or “only at weddings.” But every rule I made, I broke. Over and over again.

It took me a long time to realise I wasn’t failing. Moderation just wasn’t the right fit for me.

Trying to moderate kept me stuck in a cycle of obsession… thinking about alcohol, planning it, regretting it, then starting over. It robbed me of peace.

Sobriety, on the other hand, gave me freedom. Not restriction. Not boredom. Freedom.

I wish I’d known that sooner.

✨ I’d Allow Myself to Grieve

One thing I wasn’t prepared for was the grief that came with early sobriety. I thought I’d feel nothing but pride and empowerment (and I did eventually) but in those early months, I also felt loss at times.

There was the loss of social rituals, the loss of the person I thought I was, the loss of a coping mechanism I’d relied on for years and the loss of a way to escape.

And here’s the thing: that grief is normal. It doesn’t mean sobriety is wrong. It means change is hard. It means you’re shedding old skin, and that’s going to feel uncomfortable before it feels good.

If I could go back, I’d hold space for that grief instead of trying to rush past it. I’d tell myself it’s okay to miss alcohol even when you don’t want to drink it. It’s okay to feel sad and sure at the same time. Two things can be true.

✨ I’d Reframe Boredom as an Invitation Sooner

In early sobriety, I was so bored at times. Without wine to punctuate the day, the evenings felt endless. What do people do with all this time? How do they unwind? Where’s the sparkle? I also had my AuDHD to take into account which meant that I was like a coiled spring some evenings. You can read my post about coping with that neurodivergent energy and intrusive thoughts here.

The thing is, boredom is part of the detox and that detox isn’t just physical, but emotional too. I had to relearn how to be with myself. How to sit with stillness and how to enjoy life without being buzzed or zoned out.

Eventually, that boredom became an invitation. I found new ways to rest, to read, to write, to get curious and to create.
But at first, it just felt uncomfortable.

If that’s where you are right now, please know that it gets better. The sparkle returns and this time, it’s real.

✨ I’d Celebrate the Small Wins

Initially when you first go sober it’s misleading to thing that milestones had to be huge to count like hitting a year sober or going on a sober holiday or having a sober Christmas.

But some of the most meaningful wins were small and quiet. Things like:

Saying no to a drink and feeling proud.
Getting through a hard day without numbing.
Feeling emotions fully even the uncomfortable ones.
Waking up clear-headed on a Sunday.

Those moments are worth celebrating and they matter. They build the foundations of a new sober life.

✨ I’d Remember: Sobriety Isn’t Just About Alcohol

Quitting drinking is the beginning, not the end.

What surprised me most is how sobriety touches every part of your life. It’s not just about what you remove it’s about what you gain:

Emotional resilience
Clarity
Boundaries
Healthier relationships
Boosted energy and joie de vivre
A stronger sense of self

I’ve had to unlearn old patterns and to rewire my coping strategies. Discover who I am without the blur of booze.

It hasn’t always been easy but it’s been worth every single moment.

Final Thoughts: It’s Okay to Start Messy

If I could leave you with one thing, it’s this: you don’t have to get it perfect. You just have to get started.

You don’t need a day one that turns into forever on the first try. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. You don’t need to be anyone other than who you are, right now.

Trust yourself, be kind to yourself and if you’ve slipped, it doesn’t mean you’re back at square one. It means you’re learning.

You are not behind.
You are not broken.
You are becoming.

If you’d like support you can contact me for sessions, or you can join my online Sober Resilience Course teaching you psychology tools and CBT techniques to support you in sobriety and in life. You don’t have to be in early sobriety to benefit.

Beyond Sobriety

Discussion about this post